Five Foods For the Rest of My Life: It's Naughty Time

In the previous installment (a long time ago) I gave my list of five healthy foods that I would chose if I could only eat them for the rest of my life.  That was more of an exercise in practicality and knowledge of foods that are really, really good for you.  This list is all about the shitty foods that I would chose if I was limited to only five.  And the drum roll.........

1. Birthday Sheet Cake

50 Cent once sang, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."  I'm that fat kid he was talking about.  Sheet cake is like heroin to me.  I was hooked the first time I had it and I get real itchy if I don't eat any for a while.  I love all kinds of sheet cake, yellow with chocolate frosting, chocolate/chocolate, chocolate cake with vanilla frosting, etc etc.  But my absolute favorite is funfetti.  There's something about those little pellets of sugar floating in the cake and frosting that really trips my trigger.  Speaking of frosting if you are one of those people that only eat the cake part and leave the frosting you should just quite life right now.  "It's too sweet." "I'm being good by only eating the cake part."  Bullshit.  You're just being hypocritical.  You think you're saving calories by not eating it.  It's fucking cake.  If you want to save calories don't eat any of it.  Save it for the people that will actually enjoy it.  See how much I love cake?  I just swore and got real mad at a hypothetical situation.

Best cake story from my youth: I've still never forgiven my mother for making my sister two cakes for one birthday.  I've never had a two cake birthday.  Just saying.

2. Ice Cream

Numbers 1 and 2 often go together.  And sometimes they get all kinds of freaky naughty with each other and produce ice cream cake!  That's why they are 1 and 2 on this list.  Like cake, I like all kinds of ice cream.  Usually if it's cold, creamy, and sweet I'm good to go.  There are some ice creams that are abominations unto science.  These include, salad, charcoal, and raw horse flesh ice creams.  These actually exist and it makes me sad.  Those poor misguided fools.  Getting back on track, if I had to pick one I'd probably go with Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream made by Ben and Jerry's.  Stephen Colbert is the man and when there are chunks of waffle cone in your ice cream, well, you got a good thing going.

Best ice cream topping: Melt some peanut butter in the microwave for about 40 seconds.  Drizzle it on top and let it harden.  Thank me when you finish.

I had to eat it fast.  I'm so hot it was melting.

3. Qdoba Burritos

Mexican food is, hands down, the best drunk food out there.  I'm not talking about Taco Bell either.  I'd rather play a round of "How's Your Father" with a syphilitic whore than eat there.  I might as well just put the food in a blender and pour it down the toilet, because that's what's going to happen.  What I'm talking about are those tiny Mexican restaurants that are open til 2 am and are staffed by an entire family of friendly Mexicans and serve huge burritos.  But there's something about Qdoba that I can't get enough of.  The combination of the tortilla, meat, beans, rice, salsa, cheese and sour cream gets my motor running.  I'd be willing to wager I could easily polish off two of the suckers in one sitting and give a third one an honest thought.  Damn those are good burritos.

Best burrito story: Every time I get a burrito is the best burrito story.

4. Pancakes with Peanut Butter

My friend Tyler introduced me to putting peanut butter on pancakes when we were in high school.  Peanut butter pancakes and I have been in love ever since.  If you've never tried this you haven't lived a day in your life.  Just the thought of the salty-sweet flavor of the peanut butter combined with the ultra sweetness of the syrup and the fluffy goodness of the pancake puts me into a pre-diabetic state.  If I ate these every day for a week I'd probably be sticking myself with needles for the rest of my life and worrying about losing a foot.  I'd probably piss glucose.  According to Tracy Morgan black people call diabetes the "sugar".  I'd have that sugar all right.  Hyperglycemia here I come.

You now have diabetes.  Sorry.

5. These Burgers I Once Made In College

I love pretty much anything that can be grilled.  Except for veggie burgers.  Those things are for misguided women and hippies who reek of patchouli oil.  But damn do I love some dead cow meat.  I don't remember the exact recipe for these famed burgers but here is my best estimation:

3 lbs. ground beef
3 eggs
1 cup bread crumbs
2-3 oz shredded cheese
2 oz barbecue sauce
3 slices of bacon
garlic powder
salt
pepper

Cook bacon until crispy and coarse chop into smaller bits.  Put everything into a bowl and mash the shit out of it until it becomes one big ball of awesome.  Roll into smaller balls of awesome and flatten into patties of freedom.  Grill to a medium doneness.  Consume the cow flesh to gain his strength.  Gorge any passersby with newly grown horns.  Wave American flag in passersby face.  Let them know you mean business.

You get the picture.  Burgers don't have to be boring.  You can put whatever you want in them.  You could toss some cocaine in there and have a real wild time, although I don't recommend it.  Might make them taste funny.

Best Grilling Story: I once grilled in the middle of a rain storm because I didn't want to break my streak of 11 consecutive weeks of grilling.

So there you have it, the five foods I would chose to eat for the rest of my life.  These foods are usually the staples of my diet when I want to feel disgusted with myself for a few days.  I keep those times few and far between however.  Everything in moderation, especially moderation.  Bon appetit.