Troy Dequaine's Top Ten Non-Steroidal Performance Enhancers Part 1

1. Being American

Uh, Rocky?  Anyone?  If you're an American you've got 200+ years of an ass-kicking, big pipe-swinging, take-no-shit-from-anyone tradition behind you.  When you need that last little bit of oomph to get you through a workout all you need to do is think of George Washington, Pearl Harbor, the moon landing, Chuck Norris, Momma's sweet apple pie and fucking democracy and you should be able to power through a brick wall should you so choose.

ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!

One thing that this country needs to get back to is electing people based on how well they kill people.  Many of our past leaders were great enders-of-life.  Teddy Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, George Washington, and the like.  All of them fucked some dudes up.  Shit, Jackson used to duel with pistols like it was a game of badminton or something.  Now, not so much.  Used to be that the President and other elected officials gave a damn.  Now everybody is only out for themselves and their agenda.  We need more asskickers and name takers and less politically correct douchebags.  I don't care who's toes get stepped on or who's face gets pushed in with a club because they deserved it, I want progress.

Ol' Hickory himself killed more than a few men.

2. Eating Meat

I can't believe it's 2011 and I need to talk about this.  Eating meat is one of the most primal things that you as a human can do.  Meat is chock full of the stuff that it takes to build muscles, namely amino acids.  When you don't eat meat two things happen:

1. You don't build new muscle on top of the muscle you already have.
2. You start to atrophy.  That is, your muscles waste away. 

Go to any local vegan restaurant and look at the patrons.  Twigs.  Or worse, skinny fat.  They've got zero muscle mass, but a whole lot of fat.  They claim to be healthy but couldn't dig their way out of a shallow grave of zombie corpses if their life depended on it (which it will).  Pathetic. 

Eating meat allows you to absorb not only the amino acids and other micro nutrients present in the meat, but that animal's soul and power as well.  I've got a whole army of steer, fowl, and swine waiting at the ready to be released on some unsuspecting fool.  Think you can get that from eating celery and eggplant all day?  You're California dreaming if you do.

One of my minions.

3. Aggressive Driving

You know how you feel when you get off a roller coaster?  You feel like you could take on the world, right?  Well, you can get that feeling everyday.  When you drive aggressively you stimulate the stress response which releases, among other things, adrenaline.  Tailgate, cut people off, make your own lanes, cause a few "almost" accidents on your way to the gym and get ready to set some new PRs.  In other words, always drive like you've got a woman in labor in your back seat and you've got to get to the hospital before she splatters placenta all over the carpet.  And if you get stuck in traffic use the Homer Simpson method: Gas, brake, honk.  Gas, brake, honk.  Honk, honk, punch.  Gas, gas, gas.

This guy is ready to crush it in the gym.

4. Getting Enough Sleep

Who doesn't like to sleep?  I know I do.  I wish I could sleep more.   When you don't get enough sleep you get groggy, cranky, sick, and, if it goes on long enough, die.  The best part about sleep is all the stuff that goes on physiologically that we aren't even aware of.  When you are asleep your body is like a construction site with all the recovery going on.  If  you give your body the right stimulus by throwing some heavy weights around you'll be laying down muscle, taking away fat to restore energy, and ingraining all the neat-o things you learned through the day.   Plus, if you've ever taken a mid-day nap and woken up and immediately started killing it productivity wise you know that sleep is important.  So dominate, rest, repeat.

5. Loud, Angry Music

You know that song that comes on and when you hear it you want to throw a tank at the nearest member of al-Qaeda?  What is it about that song that makes you want to do that besides your burning hatred of al-Qaeda?  (You do hate al-Qaeda, right?)

Regardless of what type of music you listen to it's probably has an uptempo beat and lyrics that are sung fast.  Well, there is no music that is better at that than punk and/or metal.  Hard driving guitars, insanely fast double kick drum beats, and lyrics that are both aggressive in the message and the delivery are what metal and punk are all about.  Not only that but ingesting aggression in the form of music leads to aggression expressed outwardly by the listener.  Channel that aggression and you're half way to scoring six touchdowns in your life's equivalent of the Super Bowl.  Which is probably racing your kids up the stairs or bowling four strikes in a row on league night. 

This man has created more PRs than any other in history.